Normally after school, I would go by the gym and meet my friends there. We would eat, talk, take pictures and much more, nothing out of the ordinary for a teen. I normally just buy food and hang out with my best friends. But today was different, my best friends and I watched our high school baseball team play.
I caught a ride with my friends to the baseball game right after school since it was far away. The car ride was very different. We were smashed in a truck with only one large seat. It may have been tight, but it was a lot of fun. A stop at the store was made so we didn't have to buy expensive food at the game. I bought snacks and a drink to eat while I was watching. As the car ride came to an end, we arrived at the stadium and nearly ran to buy tickets. I bought a ticket and rushed to find seats by many familiar faces.
I was never really a big fan of watching baseball because I found it to be boring. To me it seemed so long and not interesting. For once though, I found the game to be interesting. I actually knew the people playing! This also was out of the ordinary. Watching the game was also a lot more fun because the people who I attended with made it interesting. We talked a lot even though we were watching the game. It actually seemed to go by a lot faster than normal to me. I was very intrigued by the game and what was happening for once.
When the game finished, it began to get dark. It was around 7:00pm, and it was a school night. I had only a small idea of how I was getting home and I was beginning to get scared. I called my mom and asked her if I could stay with my friends a little while longer and go to Costco with them. Surprisingly, my mom let me. I believed that this was definitely out of the ordinary.
The car ride to Costco was a blast. My friend's baby sister was in the car, and she loves watching Barney whenever she can. The entire ride there, we sang along to the songs we knew that Barney was singing. There was never a silent awkward moment which made everyone feel very uncomfortable.
As we were in Costco, once again, everything was different. Besides being out late on a school night with my friends, we rode in a shopping cart. Being in high school, I never get the opportunity to ride in a shopping cart anymore. Even though it seemed that everything was weird, it was an amazing experience. It was a lot of fun and I never want to forget it. I believe, in doing things out of the ordinary.
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Great Story, I like the setting of how you describe your daily teen life and how it changed this one day. You also organized things well and it was easy to follow along.
ReplyDeleteSome improvements that could be done is describing what was so fun. In various parts of your essay you said "it was fun" or something around that. What was so fun? What did you guys talk about? Get your reader to understand your feelings towards this day. Also, be more specific on what you believe. It seems as though only at the end did you state what you believe. As I was reading your essay I thought you were blogging about a day; not really getting the feel of an "I Believe Essay."
other than that, good job & good luck on your revision!(:
-kelly,
I thought that your essay very interesting, and was unique because this isn't something you'd at first think is something that would make you believe anything about life. At first it all seems ordinary. I like your sequencing and the story over all. I especially liked that Barney bit. I think it adds more quirkiness to your paper.
ReplyDeleteI think some improvements would probably to be more descriptive. I think that you can describe how things were fun or boring. I think more showing then actually telling in this essay would make it much stronger. Other than that, it was over a good essay.
Hi Alexis,
ReplyDeleteI agree with both your teammates' recommendations. I would also recommend more specific detail, more "show, not tell."
I also think you need to do more to show why this day shaped your beliefs. It actually does not seem very "out of the ordinary."
It might help if you figure out which particular part of that day was the "aha" moment. As Kelly mentions, it sounds more like "blogging about the day" than an "I Believe" essay.
Let me know if you have questions.
mrs s