I knew this day would eventually come. Sooner than later, or maybe even never. It was a time of change, and lots of it. It was a time that had many different emotions that you feel often. The emotion of being excited, ecstatic, happy, sad, melancholy, and feeling of loss. It’s a moment of time where we all want to stop it from happening, but we all want it to happen anyway.
My sister and I were always really close. She was my best friend from the day I was born. I told her everything and she told me lots. As we grew older we started to drift apart but we still always held that sister bond. I love my sister with all my heart and I could never imagine losing her. All through her high school years, I couldn’t wait for the day until I got my own room. I grew up sharing a bedroom with my sister until I was in 8th grade. The only reason I got my own room, is because my sister was going off to college.
San Jose State University is where my sister’s life would finally begin. Losing her was the hardest thing I would do. Although she would be coming within the matter of 4 months, the emotions stirred up. It was hard to let the girl I grew up with go. It felt like I was going to lose her forever. Talking to her every night wouldn’t be as easy as it normally was. I relied on her often and she was a role model of mine. It’s hard to accept the fact that I wouldn’t be able to see her everyday.
I would talk to my sister before she left and I would always ask her “Are you excited? Are you scared? How do you really feel?” She would always reply saying, “I’m happy and excited but I’m really scared. Knowing that I only myself to rely on is a scary fact.” Realizing that my sister would be faced with a hard challenge didn’t just scare her, it also scared me.
Driving to the airport to drop her off was a very sad ride for me. It felt as if I couldn’t talk because everyone would hear my voice crack. As we arrived at the airport, I saw my immediate family members standing there and waiting. It was hard to see everyone start to cry as my sister had to make her departure. Seeing her walk through the glass doors at the airport made me want to run to her and never let her go.
It was very had to accept her leaving because it made me feel as if I was getting one year closer to the position she was in. I was an emotional wreck knowing that that will be me in the nick of time. I want to enjoy my high school years as much as I possibly can because it’s a memory I will never forget.
Not only did your writing make me smile, it also made me tear. There was so much voice I couldn't even keep up (: You've progressed in your writing skills tremendously and I'm sooooo proud of you. This was one of your best and I enjoyed it a whole lot ^__^
ReplyDeleteLEXIE:)
ReplyDeleteJust like Michelle said there was alot of voice in your essay,and I never felt lost reading your essay,like some other essays, so good job with that!!The only thing I couldnt clearly see was the coming of age part in your essay.Other than that you did a great job!!keep it up girl:)
Hi Lexie!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Michelle and Destrie that your voice comes through in the essay. Your connection to the experience is very clear.
I also agree with Destrie that there could be more focus on the coming of age theme. Some of it seems as though it's your sister's coming of age. How did you change as a result of her leaving?
And, I would recommend more specific details. If you read your first paragraph over, notice that much of it is "telling" or explaining. It's just about all generalization. I suggest deleting it and starting where the story starts. Add in more detail like the one about not wanting to speak because your voice would crack...that's specific.
"Losing her" "drift apart" "hardest thing"...those are all general..remember to "show, not tell" and your essay will be more powerful.
As for the critiques, Michelle and Destrie, you need to be more specific in those as well. Target one or two of the 6 traits and help the writer to revise and improve the essay.
mrs s